Farfie and Nagi
by Siko Kudou
Summary: I should have warned them to avoid the house made out of candy...


(Siko sits in front of a big fireplace, holding a book)

Siko: Ah, good evening and welcome to Weiss fairy tale theater where we screw up original stories as best we can! Tonight I have a very special treat for you…it's called 'Farfie and Nagi'…a story about a brother and sister who get lost in the woods and happen upon a cottage made of candy…mmm, candy…*drools and someone pokes her with a stick* Ow! Alright, so our story begins long ago…

(Chibi Farfie and Nagi, who is wearing a dress, are playing outside of their cottage)

Nagi: This is so lame it's not even funny.

Farfie: Isn't this a German story or something?

Nagi: Um, yeah, I'd think that if it were called 'Hansel and Gretal' the characters would be German…

Farfie: So we have to speak with German accents.

Nagi: There's no way in hell I'm speaking in a German accent…

(5 minutes later…)

Nagi: Nice veather we've having, ja?

(Nagi and Farfie's father, Brad, had married an evil woman named Schu who liked to boss the kids around all the time…)

Schu: (lying on the couch, wearing a dress and surrounded by half-eaten food) NAGI, GET ME MORE JAGERMEISTER! AND FARFIE, I WANT SOME DAMN PIE, ON THE DOUBLE!

Farfie: (pulls out his knife)

Nagi: (shoots him a look) Just follow along with the story, okay?

Farfie: (sighs and puts it back, then puts on an apron and starts baking pie)

Schu: Nagi, rub my feet!

Nagi: You've got to be kidding…

Schu: I've had a hard day of bossing you around, now get to it! *shoves his foot in Nagi's face*

Nagi: *sighs*

(so, one day, the two got fed up with it and decided to run away. They brought along some bratwurst incase they got hungry-

Nagi: Bratwurst?!

Farfie: We're in Germany!

-and they set off. They left a trail of bratwurst just incase they should decide to go back. It was good at first, Nagi had fun on his laptop and Farfie had enjoyed mutilating little helpless creatures of the forest)

Farfie: *grins at an unsuspecting chipmunk* Yes, I think you'll hurt God just fine…

(But soon they got really cold and tired, so they ate some bratwurst-

Nagi: Ack!

and fell asleep. The next morning when they awoke, they decided that maybe it would be better to just go home. But when they looked around for the trail, it was…GONE!)

Nagi: Uh, I could just use MapQuest to get home…(Siko takes away his laptop) …damn.

Farfie: I'm hungry…

Nagi: I'm cold…

Farfie: There's nothing left to kill…

(so they wandered for a while until Nagi noticed something…)

Nagi: (notices smoke rising from a chimney somewhere ahead of them) Civilization!

Farfie: Life…to kill! 

(and the two children ran off toward the source of the smoke. Soon they arrived in a clearing and they couldn't believe their eyes at what they saw…

Nagi: *feigning shock* Wow, a house made out of biodegradable materials!

Farfie: *claps*

(Yes, they had stumbled upon a house made of sweets. Swizzle stick columns, rock candy windows and whipped cream, chocolate sauce and peanut butter galore. The two famished kids quickly gorged themselves before engaging in…other activates with the chocolate sauce. They barely noticed when a feeble old woman with goggles on her head hobbled out and looked at them, grinning)

Old woman: I'm glad to see that you're enjoying my house, children…

Farfie and Nagi: (both look up and stare oddly) Who the hell are you?

Old woman: Just a meager old woman who lives by herself out in these woods.

Farfie: Why do you have a house made out of candy? Is it to lure little children here?

Old woman: Um, come in and have some bratwurst-

Nagi: Nooo!

Farfie: Yeah, she's avoiding the question…she's probably a witch that wants to eat us…let's go! *grabs Nagi's hand and pulls him inside*

Nagi: No more bratwurst!

Old woman, who is coincidentally named Ken: *cackles evilly, then follows them inside, locking the door*

Nagi and Farfie: *look around and see broomsticks, cauldrons and jars marked 'eye of newt' and 'toad brains'*

Nagi: …looks like some interesting hobbies you've got here…

Ken: *looking them up and down*

Farfie: *apathetic expression*

Nagi: Uh, what are you doing?

Ken: Hmmm…you're not very fat. 

Nagi: Yes, thank you for noticing…

Ken: But we can change that! *grabs Nagi and stuff him in a hamster cage*

Nagi: Ow, this is kind of painful!

Ken: *cackles* I'm going to make you nice and plump so I can cook you and eat you…or do other stuff to you.

Nagi: AHHHHHH!!!!

Ken: *looks at Farfie* And as for you…*shoves him in another cage*

Farfie: *grins* god is bleeding…

(and for the next few days, the witch made Nagi eat like a pig so she could fatten him up for eating him. Every day she'd ask him to stick his finger out to see if he'd gotten any fatter. But little Nagi was smart. He magically knew that the witch had vision problems, which is why she always had to have goggles perched atop her head. So what he would do was stick out a chicken bone to fool the witch into thinking he wasn't gaining an weight)

Ken: Alright, let's see if you've gotten any bigger…

Nagi: (looking like a balloon, sticks his 'finger' out)

Ken: What is this?! Why won't you get any fatter?!

Nagi: Because you suffer from severe idiocy.

Ken: What?!

Nagi: Nothing.

(But on the sixth day, the witch got fed up and decided she'd had enough waiting)

Ken: That's it! Fatter or not fatter, you're going in the oven!

Nagi: Bite me…err…scratch that.

(the witch let Farfie out and commanded him to go get some firewood, oblivious to the fact that he could just run away)

Farfie: (did you really think he'd miss helping kill something?) *brings in the firewood* I wanna go next!

Ken: *leans in the oven and lights it, only to find that he's kind of stuck* Aw, crap…

Farfie: *grins*

Ken: Uh, little help?

Farfie: Hm, let Nagi die, which would hurt God, or save Nagi so that we can keep doing those certain things that hurt God and kill this moronic witch?

Ken: Hey!

Farfie: Eh…*shoves Ken in the oven and closes it*

Ken: Ah! I'm melting, mellllllting!

Farfie: *Nelson laugh*

Nagi: Should I be thankful or not?

(the children hitchhiked and got a ride from a really pissed off-looking man in a really scary orange turtleneck)

Aya: I *am* a fashion statement.

  
(when they arrived home, they told their father about why they ran away)

Nagi: And we ran away because Schu is a bitch!

Schu: *pouts*

Crawford: Yes, and I care about this why?

(and so, realizing that their father was just as much of a bastard as their stepmother, they moved out and went to America where they competed in Jimmy Dean sausage cook-offs)

Nagi: Someone kill me.

Farfie: *grins*

Siko: And that my friends, is the end of our tale…*closes book and winks*      


End file.
